8 lbs...

Me before I got pregnant. 40lbs from my goal.

From September 1st to September 10th I lost 8lbs. I have gained almost 80lbs from when I was pregnant and the 2 years since my son was born that I have been slightly ashamed of myself which is why that 8lbs means so much to me. I have been eating better and working out every single day since September 1st and to see that much weight come off the scale was a shock and I didn't believe it until I weighed myself 3 times and it was the same each and every time. That 8lbs has given me the will power to keep going every single night because I have a goal in mind of where I want to be this time next year and I know I am going to have to fight myself to get to it.

My goal is simple I want to lose between 5 and 10lbs a month until I am down to my goal weight. That would put my weight from 60-120lbs down if I lose the full 120 I will be at my goal weight by the end of the year and that would mean all I would need to do is maintain my weight which is going to be easy once I get myself back onto my schedule like I was before I got pregnant.

I am not using my pregnancy as an excuse in this but, I know it contributed to my weight gain. Not
because I was pregnant and thought I could eat everything because I really couldn't hold down food while I was pregnant. It actually was me being so sickly while pregnant that I feel helped me to become so lazy. Add in the whole I missed food and tended to overeat because I was getting over practically starving myself because of having morning sickness my whole pregnancy. Then just adding in the injuries my body sustained through carrying my son to term and giving birth to him when my body was just unable to support labor. It all helped me to mentally put things off to allow myself to become lazy.


Also being a single mom helped to contribute and not in the way that I think people believe being a

September 1, 2015

single mom contributes to it. I was sad all the time because I always hear about my friends kids Dad's doing this or that with their children and while I was happy for them it made me realize more and more how my son would never have that. Yes, his Dad is sort of back in the picture now but, he is still not a Dad seeing how he is 1,000 miles away. That means I still have all those sorrowful feelings for my son and I blame myself deep down for it because I chose his Dad in a way and I chose poorly .

Don't take that last line as I think he is a sorry human being or something because I don't think that I think he made the best choice for all of us at the time. He wasn't ready to be a family he was in a bad place and there was no need for him to be in our lives when he was not ready because it would have led to him hating us and all 3 of us didn't deserve that. I have always and will always respect him for his choice to leave even though it has hurt our family (yes, we have always been a family even separated) in a way that we will always have scar tissue. However, that scar depending on where we go from here will either make us a stronger family or always cause an ache for all of us it is up to us to choose how our scar tissue will heal. I am betting on stronger because we are Scottish and Irish which makes us indomitable. 

At the end of the day though the only person I have to blame for my dramatic weight gain is myself. I am ashamed of myself on a deep level for allowing it to get so out of hand. I am not going to sit here and beat myself up over it though I am just going to move forward from this and make my future better than it would be if I didn't get up off my butt and change these poor habits!