Walking in my shoes

Don't ever let someones judgment of you tear you apart.

I have been told I don't know how many times that I am a strong person.  I don't say I am or I am not I am just me. I have been given a life that I have had to fight for everything I have. That being said I don't know how to lay down and not fight for myself or those I love. Which is why I am going to tell this story.

I fell in-love when I was 10 years old and continued to fall in-love with the same wonderful man for the next 10 years knowing I would never be anything more than his friend. This lead me to move on and marry my now ex-husband. I can say it now that I have come to terms with why I married my ex and why I wasn't very fair to him. I married my ex because it is what everyone expected of me at the time and I was never truly in-love with him I barely even liked him. I tried my best to be a good wife and according to him and everyone in our lives for the 5 years we were married I did my duty. That is where I was not fair to him I went through the motions without the emotions because I truthfully couldn't have those emotions for him because I gave my heart away completely to my friend and my ex was everything that he is not in the worst way.

Now that I have admitted to what I failed at in our marriage I am going to discuss what I ended up fighting for throughout our marriage.

My Ex-husband was an abusive jerk. When we first got together it was little things that me at 22 didn't realize to be the precursors of the abuse I would one day suffer through. The abuse started out with little things like telling me I needed to eat more because I wasn't eating enough. Seems nice right? Well not when you look at the whole picture I would order 1 bean burrito when we would go to Taco Bell he would have me get two then when I didn't eat the other one or I didn't finish it he would shame me to the point that I would finish off the 2nd burrito. The way he would shame me mostly came down to me being wasteful and not being respectful of him by wasting his money like that. I began eating more and more because of this and because of that I began gaining weight.

Once I started to gain weight the next small thing of abuse started where he would say things that made me feel ugly and fat. They seems like compliments but, with his way of saying them made me feel ashamed of my size. I can't even remember the somewhat nice things he used to say at this time since it has been 8 years but they were along the lines of "Wow someone is getting bigger... but that just means there is more of you to love; and you will always be mine" Later on this would become "You are so fat no one will ever want you but me."

This all happened before our wedding in October of 2004 we would move to TN in November of 2005 which would be the beginning of the end for our mildly verbally abusive marriage. We moved to Nashville, TN from Southern California almost 2,000 miles from anything I would call familiar or family. The only person I had was him and that is pretty much what he was banking on. Our first year in TN we lived close to some people that I knew and it wasn't too bad until my ex began to cut them out of our lives and burn those bridges down. That is when we moved to Chattanooga, TN where I had 1 friend and they were only my friend because of my ex knowing her husband. He soon decided that they were not worthy of our friendship and cut me off from them as well. That is when the non-verbal abuse started.With a smack here and a push there nothing too big and no bruises. Until about a year later.

When the real physical abuse started is when I found out that I was pregnant. I don't know why I didn't see the abuse I was suffering through until the doctor turned to me and said you are Pregnant but, I did. At that moment I decided I had to leave him and move back home to California. I called him to tell him not to bother coming home until after I had left because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't be his wife etc. I never told him I was pregnant mind you because I had never planned on letting him know that tiny fact about me because I didn't want him near my child. Needless to say while I was cleaning (yes, I cleaned the house to the point it sparkled and smelled of bleach) and packing my things he came home early from his trip and earlier than the time I had told him I would need to get my things together and leave my job with enough time to replace me. He was furious and started out yelling at me I didn't have the energy to yell and just told him I was done and I was leaving and went to finish gathering my things. He grabbed my arm and yanked me back and it went down hill from there I ended up miscarrying my baby within the next 24 hours from the beating I had received. He took my keys away from me and began to drive me to and from work. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him or any of his approved people. I became a prisoner and it was just as much my fault because I couldn't help but, blame myself for the death of my baby. I lived like this for about 2 years until he decided that he was done and wanted to move on. Mostly because during that time I almost died. I was hospitalized because of my gallbladder causing me to have sepsis;that is another story though. He stuck around until October of 2009 when I came back home for a 3 week vacation because my Aunt was getting married and my Grandfather was being treated for leukemia.

I came home at the end of October as planned just for him to tell me that he didn't want to be married any longer. I had been in the air and traveling for a day and then he had decided not to go straight home but, to a bar until closing before telling me this at almost 3am. I got pissed and started crying and yelling and next thing I knew he had me being admitted to the looney bin. I had to spend 72 hours there where they drugged me to the point I really don't remember much. I slept a lot after my stay but, the day after I came home I told him we were separating and I was going home to live with my parents for the 6 months he agreed. Our divorce finalized a year later and I have been free ever since.

You might be asking yourself "why did she tell me all of this?" The reason I shared this isn't to have someone say "Aww poor you". I don't want pity or sympathy I made my choices and I have to live with them and learn from them which I have. My life is better for having lived through this because it showed me what my lowest point looks like. I dug myself out of that hole of depression and self loathing because I was 380 pounds and my husband left me for another woman after beating me and shaming me to the point that I was barely alive. I fought to make myself get out of bed everyday and move on. Did I want to get up and work out? No, I didn't when all of this happened I just wanted to lay in bed like a lump and die but, remember from the beginning of this very long entry that friend I fell in-love with well he is the voice I had running through my head every morning telling me don't be a lump move. So, I did everyday I got up I worked out and I ate better I started feeling myself come back to life. I started becoming me again which is all I ever needed to be.

Pretty much what I am saying is I was broken to the point that I felt the only option I had was dying and some how I was able to see another way. Yes, at first it was hard every day was hard I was fighting my ex-husbands abusive words that  rang through my head and told me I was worthless and would never make it but, I had the words of that friend (who yes is still apart of my life 20yrs later) telling me I was worth it and I could do it. I want to be that person for others and that is why I will always be here for those who want me to be with a kind word or a swift kick in the butt telling you to keep moving. I will not give up on you because I am lucky enough to have people in my life who won't give up on me.

My journey started out as just a way to save my life because I was killing myself on the road my ex had sent me down. Then my journey became about remembering who I was and now it is just about becoming who I want to be. It takes strength to make that first step in the direction that you want to go but, after that first step you just have to let your feet follow each other and keep traveling down that road. I  will travel that road with you pushing you forward or holding your hand traveling beside you whatever you need at the time. =)